How to Preserve Your Relationship While Setting Boundaries
Often when our parenting is at its heaviest and most demanding, we lose focus on the positive sides of our relationship with our teen. Every conversation seems to be about the latest incident, what they forgot to do around the house, or reminders of behavior changes they are trying to make. In short, each interaction is infused with criticism in some form or another. Most of us adults don’t stomach constant criticism well, much less an impulsive, shaky-self-esteem teen.
According to widely accepted research, the ideal ratio of praise to criticism is 5:1. For each criticism we want to level, we should have put in the work to praise or be positive about five different things. This ratio can get lost in the parent-teen push and pull, but is worth keeping in mind if we want our criticism to be heard. If our teen generally considers us a source of positive regard, when he or she gets negative feedback, they are more apt to take it in. One way to get those five pieces of praise in is through text. Texting is truly the teen parent’s most stealthy resource, offering an easy and written (which tends to last longer in the brain) option to convey all of the wonderful things about your child.
What else can we do to maintain our relationship while continuing to parent? The first part of this is time. Teens are allusive creatures, especially if they drive, darting in and out of the house between school, work and social gatherings. It makes connecting with them particularly challenging, but not impossible. A pleasant weekly or biweekly outing (or only-the-two-of-you time at home, if you can arrange it) is essential if you want to maintain a healthy relationship. Many teens are highly motivated by food (new cupcake place in town, sushi, Chipotle), but whatever your teen loves (movies, makeup, theatre, painting, football, video games) is worth exploiting if it will give you a few hours alone together. My son’s weakness is eating out, so if I ask him to lunch or dinner, even if he is mad at me, he can’t refuse.
But here’s the rule: when you are out doing something fun, this is NOT the time to parent. This is like a date, or a friendly lunch with coworkers: mentioning business will bring down the mood. Have absolutely no agenda, no behavior to discuss, no chores that didn’t get done. Be quiet, enjoy the moment, and let your teen feel that you are just there to enjoy time together. Many parents want to use the convivial vibe to sneak some hard conversations in. Since we just had a lighthearted talk about Homecoming, now I can transition to the boyfriend-in-your-room-until-2-AM topic. Resist the urge!
Later, another day while at home, you can let your teen know you have things you want to discuss. You can ask them why they are having difficulty being nice to a sibling, adhering to curfew, or turning in English 10 assignments. But these discussion don’t belong in your fun time. And, when you are discussing unmet expectations, it’s imperative to have a clear idea of what your specific expectations are. What does being nice to a sibling look like? Silence? Two compliments a day? Helping the sibling out with chores? If 2 AM is too late for visitors to stay, what time is appropriate? Is it just boyfriends or any friends?Vagueness is the enemy of all parents everywhere. The more disciplined we can get about when we talk about issues, the better our message will be received. And the more concrete we can get about what exactly we are looking for, the easier it will be to fulfill them.