I need Mom, I hate Dad

With challenging kids, family dynamics tends to go haywire. It typically unfolds with one parent handling the difficult child with more sensitivity, while the other parent loses ground by remaining a firm disciplinarian. Often when crisis erupts, the sensitive parent (more often than not, Mom), manages the difficult child. She may help calm meltdowns, talk through options, or advocate for the child at school. Dad may feel inept, often not allowed to be part of the conversation. There is a split in parenting duties, with Mom carrying the emotional weight and Dad frustrated with his inability to solve the problem.

The longer the dynamic continues, the more intracted it becomes. During an emergent situation, it makes sense to use the parent who the child is more comfortable with to problem solve. But when it results in a long-term imbalance in parenting, it becomes a problem. It leaves Mom (or whoever the closer parent is) with the bulk of stress, while Dad feels inept.

The challenging child may even avoid Dad completely, preferring the way Mom tends to their needs and protects their sensitivities. Conflicts are avoided and the peace is kept. Although this is necessary at times of high volatility, it is worth pushing back when the family stabilizes. Here’s why: our child’s needs are important, but they don’t trump everyone' else’s needs.

Challenging kids tend to suck the oxygen out of the room. And because they may have strong reactions to things, the family tends to put their needs front and center. Their needs, however, have to ultimately be balanced with those of the other family members. If not, the child never gets to practice the interplay of interpersonal relationships, where you give and take, where you set your own “stuff” aside when the other person needs you.

So how do parents shift away from Mom as savior and Dad as evil enforcer? There are a few ways to slowly right the ship, infusing more balance into the parental relationship:

1) Agree upon some basic ground rules. If Mom is worried about Dad’s reactions or disciplinary methods, she isn’t going to be able to step away.

2) Give Dad a regular non-negotiable duty, like school drop-off or homework or doing the dishes with the kids. Establish this beforehand as a daily practice that will only be handled by Dad.

3) Send Mom out of the house for a set time each week. It can be an evening with friends, an afternoon away, or a night at a hotel. Often when Mom is home, a challenging child will make turning things over to Dad nearly impossible. Her physical presence must be removed entirely.

4) When Mom is tending to the difficult child, Dad can assist by asking, “What can I do to support you?” And then he can do whatever he can to lighten her load.

With small tweaks, an out-of-balance family can make its way towards a more healthy dynamic, with both parents getting more of what they need.

For further helps, contact amanda@translatingteens.org for parent coaching.