Raising Your Parenting Self-Esteem
Parenting self-esteem is like regular self-esteem: it increases when we set and meet goals, when we are acting in accordance with our values, and when we share our unique talents with others and see them valued.
And like regular self-esteem, it rarely arrives in gift boxes handed to us by others. It is garnered through our own actions and judgments of those actions, which makes it all the more difficult.
How we feel about ourselves as a parent can be a crucial part of our happiness. The saying, “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child,” should really be changed to, “You are only as happy as your unhappiest relationship with your children.” Parenting self-esteem ebbs and flows through different ages and stages -- one mom might feel like an excellent parent as a caretaker to a newborn, while a dad might feel like he’s hit his stride when he can begin coaching his daughter’s soccer team. Our own unique personalities and skills can make parenting different ages easier or harder, and with that comes some difficult feelings when we are struggling.
As a new dad, you might feel like a failure when you can’t get your newborn daughter to stop crying and you don’t feel particularly bonded to her. As a mom to a teen boy who lies has started sneaking out and lying about his whereabouts, you might feel completely inept. We forget that parenting is not just a marathon, but a triathlon, with different events across a long span of time. It isn’t for the faint of heart.
So, how do we increase our parenting self-esteem, no matter the stage?
The first step is to identify your parenting goals. These could be big, overarching goals or small, more practical goals. Examples of big goals might be:
to raise a kind individual
to teach my child manners and respect for others
to help my child feel successful at school
to travel with my child
to expose my child to experiences that I didn’t have
to support and enrich positive relationships in my child’s life
to provide healthy meals for my child
to be emotionally present for my child
Some examples of smaller goals might be:
to cook a weekly healthy dinner with my child
to schedule a playdate
to spend 30 mins a day teaching my child how to drive
to eat at a nice restaurant and practice manners
to plan a weekend in a different town
to volunteer with my child at the local animal shelter once a month
coaching a sport my child is involved in
Setting goals that align with your bigger mission as a parent and then staying disciplined about those goals builds confidence. They also shape a positive parental identity. “I’m a present and involved dad.” or “I’m a mom who goes above and beyond to make sure my kids have opportunities.”
Another way to raise parenting self-esteem is to know your strengths and work with them, not against them. I, myself, am not a sporty parent. I don’t bike ride with my kids or take them to the soccer field to kick the ball around. That isn’t the skill set I bring to parenting. I’m also not a great cook and feel annoyed at having to prepare countless meals a week. However, I am skilled at talking about feelings. So when one of my kids seems upset or is going through something, I make time to talk to them, usually before bed or on a car ride. I ask questions and get curious. That is a strength I bring to parenting and I don’t beat myself up for not being great at all of the other parts. I accept my limitations and capitalize on my strengths. This also helps solidify my parenting identity and build esteem.
The reality is, even with the highest of self-esteem, we will all be tried in this parenting gauntlet. When you’re child tells you they hate you or makes a really bad choice or doesn’t want anything to do with you, it can hurt. And we can let that hurt transform into feelings about ourselves as parents. Or, we can realign with our goals and get back into the race.