The Better Way to Handle Teen Conflict

Let’s face it: adolescence is a time of high drama and higher friction. As teens go through the messy process of figuring out who they are , who their friends are, and what boundaries they want to push, the adults in their lives often receive the brunt of their chaotic behavior. Parents must contend with insults, slammed doors, the silent treatment, and meltdowns that harken back to early childhood.

But there is a revolutionary technique that I now practice with students and teach to parents: Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS). I first learned about the technique when I taught at a school for kids with learning differences. Although we had smaller classes, each class was filled with students who hadn’t done well in a traditional setting. Difficulty with transitions and flexibility, impulse control, and an unawareness of how their behavior affected others were common issues in any given classroom. The school knew that standard methods of discipline had already failed these kids.

Collaborative and Proactive Solutions is a technique that can be used to solve any problem, but it is particularly effective with challenging kids. The basics of it rely on a change in perspective: kids aren’t trying to be bad. They aren’t setting out to ruin your class or disrupt dinner. Their behavior is a direct result of lagging skills. And, these kids have unsolved problems that are the root cause of not being able to meet an expectation.

Once the adults in the child’s life adjust their lens, they are then ready to have a conversation about the expectation the kid is struggling to meet. The conversation starts with naming the expectation not being met, not the behavior. For example, it could start with something like, “I see you are having difficulty cleaning your room on Sundays. Can you tell me about that?” or “I see you are having difficulty turning your phone off when we do classwork. What’s up?”

By listening and asking neutral questions, we get to hear the concerns of the kid. Often, surprising concerns emerge. The kid who doesn’t clean his room finds the washing machine full every Sunday morning and then has nowhere to put his dirty sheets and clothes. The kid with the phone is playing a texting game with his brother in another state. By empathizing and validating the teen’s issues, you are modeling taking in another’s perspective.

Finally, you present your concerns and brainstorm a solution that works for both of you. It looks something like this, “I hear your concern that you want to maintain contact with your brother, and my concern is that you aren’t doing classwork, so how can we solve this?” or “I hear your concern about not having access to the washing machine. My concern is that you won’t have clean clothes, sheets, and a clean environment for the week. What could be a solution?” You will be surprised by the solutions you can come up with if you trust the process, and trust your teen as an equal partner.

For more about the CPS model, visit www.livesinthebalance.org or schedule a free consultation with me at amanda@translatingteens.org