Calming the Storm: 5 Ways to Improve Relationships with Teens
Teens are walking contradictions. They will insist on going into the orthodontist’s office alone but will demand the ice cream they have always gotten as a kid on the way home. They are in a tense dance: making space for their new independent selves, while wanting to hold on to some of the comforts of childhood. As a parent, it can be exhausting to figure out where the line is.
And for teens who struggled before this tornado of adolescence, the push/pull between autonomy and dependence may get a little ugly at times. These are the kids who already had issues with any kind of change or may have had difficulty controlling their impulses. Now as teens, armed with a molotov cocktail of hormones, they can reek havoc in their households as they try to figure it all out.
As parents, though, we can instantly quell some of the angst that is directed our way by taking note of what kids this age are wrestling with: autonomy and identity. By implementing these five tips, we can stop fanning the hell fires of adolescent rage and save our energy for more important expectations.
1) Give your teen privacy. Knock and ask permission. I know, I know. This one is hard, especially if your teen is a slob or if you suspect alcohol or drug use. There are other ways to handle both of those issues, and invading a teen’s privacy invalidates a lot of your positive parental efforts.
2) Use texting to build your relationship. At the end of the evening each night, pay your child a complement or tell them why you are proud of them. Too often, texting with kids is just a logistical litany throughout the day. But it is a powerful tool we should use to our parental advantage. Even if it feels foreign at first, it will soon become a nightly ritual that your teen will look forward to.
3) Avoid commenting on clothes/hair/weight. Even in jest, as teens play with their identities through blue hair or ripped jeans, any comments will immediately make you a lightning rod of teen scorn. Along the same lines, there is nothing positive that can come from a conversation about weight with a teen. This is best left to your pediatrician.
4) Give your teen something to plan/research. The bigger, the better. Remember that teens are trying to feel like adults and hate that they are always at the mercy of adult planning. Whether it is where to eat on the drive to Ocean City, or a college visit, or which movie/theatre on a Friday night, letting them plan and taking a backseat (even if they miss some important details), is a huge boost to their teen egos.
5) Delete sarcasm from your vocabulary. As adults, we assume kids “get” sarcasm because they can dish out their own. But many kids can’t distinguish between sarcasm and a mean comment from adults. Even if they get that you are joking intellectually, their sensitive emerging egos still take sarcasm to heart.
Improving relationships with teens is an exercise in incremental solutions: often a small tweak here and there can yield a truce. If you need further help, contact me for a free consult and I have help you come up with a more extensive game plan.