What Makes Some Teens More Challenging Than Others?
Ah, teens. You either love them or you hate them — their irreverent, messy, hormonal, sharp, and goofy selves. As a teacher of 20 years, I have to admit, high schoolers are my favorite age group. I’ve been told to “shut up, b*tch”, had a desk thrown across my class room, and had a quarreling couple scream at each other about their recent sexual tryst in front of the rest of the class. I’ve had them laugh at me when I was close to tears, insult my various haircuts (“You went full mom ‘do, huh?”) and steal from my wallet during a fire drill. I’ve had them come to me after school to talk about a pregnancy scare, come out to me before coming out to their parents, and invite me to their quinceñeras. In short, I’ve had the full teen experience with an age group that can only be accurately described as “a hot mess.” I am a seasoned veteran on the teen battlefield.
If my experience has taught me anything, it is that adults who encroach upon their decisions and personal expression can be the target of harsh words or acting out. As most teens wrestle with their emerging identities, social standing, and autonomy, their relationships with authority figures can become fraught with conflict. Teachers who hold them accountable or parents whose own expectations interfere with social plans become villains in the teen drama. Teens want authorities to push back against. They want to try out their new adult-ish persona. This is all normal teen behavior.
However, there are some kids whose transition into the teen years brings on more extreme challenges. These are kids who, with hormones and angst, catapult into the category of “explosive” as teens. The areas these teens struggle with usually fall into one of four categories:
impulsivity; managing emotions
rigidity; black and white thinking
social connections; interpreting other teen’s behavior
communicating feelings/thoughts
While these teens are dealing with all of the “normal” issues that come with the age, they also have the added minefield of their unique personality challenges. Parenting or teaching these kids is a totally different ball of wax. These kids may scream profanity because they don’t have the communication skills to properly describe their feelings. They may kick a hole in the wall when upset over a breakup. They might refuse to go to school because they can’t handle the transition from class to class.
So what do we do as parents and educators when we have one of these kids living with us or sitting in our classroom? The first step is to change our lens. Challenging kids don’t want to be challenging. They simply don’t have the same skill set that most other kids do and they need more time to develop it. As a long-time teacher, I could look around any of my classes and see 30 15-year-olds who were in all different stages of physical development. Some had had their growth spurts; others were starting to get facial hair; some still looked like middle schoolers. The same discrepancies are true cognitively and emotionally. And based on where we start — some kids are naturally more easy-going, flexible, and socially aware — there is a long distance to travel before they have smooth interactions with parents, teachers, and peers.
The second step is to learn a new way to deal with these kids when they aren’t meeting expectations. Punishments or trying to authoritatively control these kids doesn’t work because it doesn’t address the underlying issues. The Collaborative and Proactive Solutions method offers an alternative that honors the lagging skills responsible for negative behavior, while fostering trust and relationship building. To learn more, read The Better Way to Handle Teen Conflict or schedule a free consult with me at amanda@translatingteens.org.